In my head...
Updated: Dec 10, 2019
I just want to move away somewhere…and no one find me. Because there would be a difference, but would not be a difference.
I just feel an incredible wave of sadness again. This is what Robin Williams Chester Bennington felt…
I feel like I will never be good enough for people to have me around. I know in life, people come and go, but SOOOO many people have gone and ghosted me when I tried so very hard to make them smile and happy, while doing the same for myself. I can’t get the smallest decency from people to let me know when plans change. To not leave me wondering. To not leave me high and dry and then act dumb when I bring it up.
I don’t deserve that.
I feel like a temporary. A convenience. Only here when you “need” or want me, and then move on to the next thing, giving them more attention and time that I worked my ass off to get from you.
Why am I still fighting? It’s second nature now that I fight, get knocked down, get back up, and cycle again. I have sacrificed so much…and gained little to nothing. I have been patient. I have been there for people at any interval, and yet I feel so empty.
I don’t know my direction anymore. I would just get up to fight again, but idk what I’m fighting for anymore. I’m like a kamikaze at this point. Just taking anything and anyone I can down with me. At least I won’t be lonely in that fashion.
I’m “young”…but lived multiple lives. I had to kill parts of me constantly for the sake of survival that I don’t even know who or what I am at this point. Just a construct with an inevitable fate. I do so much…I sacrifice everything, and still end up broken.
I have a heart that doesn’t belong in this time. What am I supposed to do with that?
I read a quote that said, “maybe everything you’re going through right now is in preparation for what you asked for”. …I don’t even know what I asked for now…THIS much sadness? For what? Equal amounts of happiness? That would seem sweet if I wasn’t going through YEARS of sadness and depression. At this point, I don’t even want “happiness” anymore.
I’ve been re-wired, imprinted with sorrow and sacrifices with pseudo fulfillment.
I don’t even know why I’m saying all this. Maybe to just get it out of my head, even though I need immediate change in order when I want to speak out.
I walk around in public like I’m a ghost, hence the name.
The voices are getting louder.
The one thing I want or rather kinda need in my life, I also hate. Relationship.
I hate when I get put on the shelf when someone gets into a relationship. An afterthought. A convenience when needed. Like I’m “always going to be there”. What if I’m not here for long? What if I’m not there? And something goes wrong in your relationship. Then what? I become a priority then?
At the same time, a relationship would mend some cracks in my life. To show me that I matter to someone to that level of love. That I’m not just a waste or a “filler”. But society is so jaded. More jaded than it’s ever been. So much to the point that I’m more self-conscious about myself than ever before.
5 years…5 long years seem like an eternity. 4 years of searching, proving myself, voicing out, all for nothing. “Timing is everything”? Who came up with that? “The right one will come when you least expect it”. Who came up with that? “Good things come to those who wait”. Who came up with that?
I didn’t ask for any of this…
I know I’m just going to get back up and fight again, but I don’t want to. There’s no progress. No gain. No positivity. Just testing my “durability” for an unknown reason only to fall again, and again, and again. I don’t know who I am.
And I cant cry.
I feel like the only way I can “proceed” is to lose everything I know about myself, and let fate decide. Strip away my “innocence” and morality just to maintain, and see what happens thereafter.
I’ve been splitting a lot recently too.
Neglected. That’s what’s happening here. I feel neglected. An adult male, feeling neglected, again mind you. With my wisdom, my awareness, I still feel neglected. Like I’m not good enough. I’m not important enough. And this is from people I consider really close to. The ones I consider important in my life.
Man I wish I could cry right now just to get some feelings out. A forced cry would hopefully do some healing. But it’s just kept inside, boiling, festering.