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  • gh0xttherebel



I did something for the first time a few minutes ago. I was doing a self love retreat with my partner and for the first time I performed an astral projection. It wasn’t perfect for it being the first time, but it was definitely a journey and experience I’m still reeling from. Basically we were performing a hyperventilating exercise to get us prepped to enter the astral plane, which at first had me very intimidated since 1) I have asthma and 2) I am in fear of what would happen overall with this whole experience. But it was doable for me and afterwards, we went through a guided meditation. I’ve meditated before, but this time was very different. I closed my eyes and the meditator was playing various sounds guiding us through the meditation. My partner had worked with this meditator before and she has loved it every time so I felt confident that this was going to be OK. As we went through the meditative process, it was difficult at first because I have A.D.D and my focus was not all there. I was too concerned with things like:

- outside noises such as people in the hallway

- my cats potentially even though they did not make a sound (thank goodness and that’s a first!)

- Or other things that distracted me.

As the guided meditation proceeded, I was starting to become frustrated because of my A.D.D, but also from not experiencing what other people were experiencing. For example, when the meditator was describing "Which colors do you see?" or "What spirit guide are you seeing before you?" or "Are you experiencing this?" I was not feeling any of that, which made me frustrated even more. I calmed myself down. After that, I started to see my spirit animal, Sampson, The Llama!

Freaking love Sampson!

Samson was kind of talking gibberish or in another language that I couldn’t decipher, but my thoughts were still racing with different background images. I feel like that was my A.D.D kicking in. ALSO, I actually saw a glimpse of my grandmother on my father side!! I only remember her from pictures as she passed away while my dad was young, but it was amazing to see her. I feel like my Native American bloodline was showcasing here. The scene started to dim throughout my experience, which made me flustered as the meditator was describing, "You are on a cloud... what do you see?" My response was… "Black… I see nothing, but darkness". I did see Sampson float around here and there with a smile on their face, which also confused me. I did not know what any of this meant. I recently had a discussion about how I’m perceived by other people and they perceive me as not knowing fully who I am, and that I am definitely in a dark area because I don’t let my light shine.… Boy, was that true right here! I was surrounded by darkness, but my spirit was with me. Sampson did not say anything most of the time. I was asking them what I should do, where I should go, what moves should I make, and what does this all mean. Samsung just looked at me and smiled without saying a word. I started to think, what if I’m overwhelming myself with all of these questions? It’s hard for me to relax.... I should let go. I should just let myself be. To let life just be. But my A.D.D was still kicking in making me overthink on how to do that.

"Am I in the right position? Am I breathing correctly? Am I doing this wrong?"

I know this is a practice that I’m going to need more and more.

Another strong topic that was shown to me is my overwhelming fear of weakness. I have had countless dreams/nightmares about me not being strong enough in situations. For example, there is this humongous burnt orange T-Rex that chases me from time to time in my dreams. I could be in a place where I’m surrounded by thousands of people, but the T-Rex would single me out specifically every time. Bypassing everyone else not harming them, but would solely look for me. I felt weak and afraid...

The overwhelming fear of weakness has been throughout my life for the most part. I am not 6 foot, super athletic, all of these things that society glorifies and demonize the opposition. I am a short, bowlegged African-American male that is not a symbol of society's standards, but I know what I DO bring to the table. I bring my uniqueness, but I feel that I’m trying to fit in society's mold and losing sense of who I am. I feel like my uniqueness is not strong enough for validation for people. But I should not be concerned about my validation to everyone and only my validation to whom I consider important.

Fuck society's "ideas" basically.

It’s extremely flawed and it’s not my job to change their mind about who I am. I already know who I am and the people that love me, love me for that. But I beat myself to hell and back several times a day and critic every action that I do because I’m not good enough in my eyes or head.

"I am still weak because I am extremely flawed. Because I don’t do this, which everyone else is doing. That I’m such a contradict with my own thinking and actions."

I want to become stronger for myself. I want to be confident in myself and know that I could take on any challenge with my uniqueness. But I also have to (and this is the best part) be gentle with myself.

This is not my first time hearing this as my partner had actually referenced this right as we got together.

Be gentle with yourself”. That is the take away from my experience.

I must be gentle and forgive myself for beating myself to death essentially. I should not be harsh on myself for every day tasks or things. Everyone is different in their own unique way and mine is definitely unique. I don’t need to fit a certain mold. I must be gentle and loving and confident with myself because others loved me for those qualities. I don’t have to be perfect. I just need to be REAL with myself and to love every bit of it. This was a great experience and I would like to do it again, but I definitely need some water and probably a nap. 🤣🤣

Thanks for listening. Love you. Take care of yourself.

Your mind is the key to helping your body and soul thrive.

Be gentle.

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